8 ways a good therapist helps you feel safe

1. Your therapist asks for your consent— not just once, but often.

By asking for your consent, your therapist gives you the opportunity to express your discomfort about a topic, or to course-correct if you feel the session is not heading in the right direction. And that’s important, because if you’re not on board with how the session is unfolding, you’re not going to experience the healing you’re seeking.

Asking for your consent might sound like:
“Shall we explore this more thoroughly?”
“Is it okay if I ask you some questions about this?”
“Does this feel okay to talk about right now or would you rather we leave it for another moment?”
“Would you like to slow down together right here so we can really understand what’s going on?”

2. Your therapist pays attention to your nonverbal cues.

When you give your consent, your therapist doesn’t just take your word for it— they make sure that you are truly onboard by paying attention to shifts in your facial expression and body language. This is especially important if you tend to people-please by saying yes when you really want to say no or that you’re not sure.

So let’s say your therapist asks if it’s okay to explore a certain topic and you say “Sure, that’s fine” but your brow is furrowed and you’re shifting uncomfortably in your seat. Your therapist will see this and check in: “I’m noticing you’re furrowing your eyebrows / shifting around. Is there something that’s not feeling right in this moment?”
That gives you the opportunity to say, “Well actually I’m not sure I want to dive into that right now.”

3. Your therapist makes it clear from the start that it’s okay to disagree with them.

This might sound like: “If at any time you don’t feel right, or you feel upset or distressed, or I say something to you that you don’t like, I’d like you to let me know. Is that something you think you can do?”

And they won’t just leave it at that. They’ll ask you to practice what you might say when that happens: “How would you feel comfortable letting me know you were distressed or upset? What are some words you might say? Or maybe there’s a hand gesture you might use? Would you be willing to practice it once or twice right now?”

(I learned this approach from the brilliant therapist Hilary Jacobs Hendel in her book It’s Not Always Depression).

4. Your therapist is glad when you express your disagreement.

When you do, inevitably, disagree with your therapist or let them know you don’t feel right about something they said, your therapist doesn’t get defensive or explain themselves or label you a ‘resistant client’. Instead, they thank you.

This might sound like: “I’m so glad you are telling me that this doesn’t feel good to you. That is very helpful for me to know.”
Or: “I see. Thank you for clarifying. Can we explore what it is about this that doesn’t feel good to you?”

My therapist friends and I like to remind ourselves of this: There is no such thing as a difficult client, there are only inflexible therapists.

5. Your therapist helps you process the experience of saying no to them

This might sound like, “I’m so glad you brought this up to me. How did it feel for you? Or: “I noticed your voice wavering a little bit, was it hard to say that to me? What was it like?”

6. Your therapist takes responsibility for what they say and sincerely apologizes when needed.

If they say something unfair or hurtful and you call them on it, they don’t become defensive, nor do they fall into a pit of self-blame and tell you what a terrible therapist they are. They take responsibility for their part and, if needed, give you a genuine apology.

This might look like: “You’re right. I said that and I didn’t consider this other thing when I said it. I can see that it hurt you. I’m sorry. I will be more careful going forward with this topic. I’m so glad you brought this to my attention.”

Many of us never heard a genuine apology when we were growing up, so this really matters.

7. Your therapist trusts you and trusts your process.

They do not argue with you, try to convince you of something, or override your hesitation. They follow you where your process takes you, while also holding the bigger picture in mind so you don’t get lost.

This is not a small thing; it requires a lot of skill and awareness.

8. Your therapist pays attention to their own internal experience.

They may lean in and listen intently, but they also constantly check in with their breath, notice their bodily sensations, and pay attention to their emotions. They understand that the heart of therapy is a relationship, and that in that relationship there are two people.

When a therapist focuses entirely on you and forgets their own self, it can feel intrusive or overwhelming. When a therapist is overly focused on their own self and talks more than you do, you can feel neglected and frustrated.

A good therapist keeps the focus on your process, while also staying connected to themself.