Couples therapy
Couples therapy is for you if you:
Safety is the foundation of a good relationship. To be open to each other and relaxed in each other’s presence, you have to feel safe together— physically and emotionally safe.
People react differently to feeling unsafe: Some people get anxious, irritable, critical. Some people freeze. Some people withdraw into themselves and become unreachable. Re-establishing safety is the first and most important task in a relationship and in relationship therapy.As partners, you are in each other’s care. Your job is to look out for each other and make sure you both feel safe and secure. Relationships go awry when partners prioritize protecting themselves instead of protecting each other and their relationship.
Being in each other’s care is not codependency. It is in both you and your partner’s best interest.When conflict or disconnection occurs in a relationship, the problem is not one partner or the other, the problem is the relationship dynamic you are co-creating. You are both responsible for the relationship dynamic, for re-establishing safety and changing how you engage in the relationship. Blaming yourself or your partner for the issues in your relationship only makes things worse. Relationship therapy can help you understand and explore your conflictual dynamic so that you can start to engage differently with each other.
For your relationship to be strong and healthy, you must both be equal partners, co-leaders, co-captains of the relation-ship. You are both at the helm making decisions together, and making agreements together about what you want your relationship to look like.
Your relationship thrives when you both notice, name and have ongoing conversations about what is going well in your relationship, the ways you are showing up for each other, the small and big moments of compassion, collaboration, understanding, closeness, kindness and vulnerability between you.
are noticing that you keep having the same argument over and over again and want to find a way to communicate that feels connecting rather than disconnecting
do not argue much, but you don’t feel as close as you did in the beginning and you want to feel excited about your relationship again
are getting ready to take a big step in your relationship, such as moving in together, getting married or opening your relationship up to other partners, and want to feel secure together and on the same page before you move forward
feel confident and secure in your relationship already but you notice that your connectedness falls apart in times of stress and you want to nip that in the bud
have both attended individual therapy and have a solid understanding of how your emotional wounds from the past affect your present, and now want to integrate that understanding into your relationship.
love each other deeply and want to experience more joy, more pleasure and more intimacy together
And you are open to these ideas:
This is what I pay attention to and work on with you in couples therapy:
the strengths and resiliency of your relationship
glimmers of curiosity, connection, playfulness, love, safety and collaboration as they happen in real-time
what you experienced in your family growing up and how you might have been hurt or felt neglected in the past that affects how you relate to your partner today
your relationship dynamic when you’re disconnected and when you’re connected
what triggers fears and insecurities in your relationship, and how you soothe each other
how you repair your connection when you argue or fight, so you can move forward together
the ways each of you most easily experiences love, expresses your love, and receives your partner’s love
how well you know each other
what agreements you made with each other, explicitly or implicitly, about your priorities, your level of transparency together, decision-making, other relationships.
We are probably not a good fit if:
You have not been in individual therapy before. For relationship therapy to be effective, both partners must either be in individual therapy concurrently, or have done a significant piece of healing work in individual therapy in the past. The reason for this is that relationship therapy, especially in the beginning, can trigger emotional wounds from the past. If a person has not been able to explore and process those experiences in the safety of individual therapy, it will be very difficult to find that safety in couples therapy with their partner.
If you want to start relationship therapy and have never been to individual therapy, I would be happy to help you find an individual therapist to work with concurrently, whom I can also collaborate with. Relationship therapy is most effective when both partners are in individual therapy.
You want a “tough love” kind of therapist. I am active and engaged as a therapist, and will interrupt unproductive arguments and re-direct you when needed so that you can move together towards connectedness rather than away from it. But I am not there to tell you (or your partner) what is wrong with you (or them), nor will I tell you what you should do. I am gentle, empathic and affirming. I trust that where you are in your process together is where you need to be. True, lasting change will happen when you are both ready.
You do not want your sessions to be recorded. I record all my relationship therapy sessions so that I can re-watch them if I need to. Re-watching sessions allows me to catch things I might have missed, reflect more thoroughly on our work together, and seek consultation if I need a fresh pair of eyes on your relationship dynamic (I only consult with a licensed therapist that I trust and always with express, written consent from both of you). At times, I may also send you a clip of a session that you can re-watch together, or that you can watch with your individual therapist to discuss your experience in couples therapy. Video-recording makes our work together much, much more effective.
There is control, coercion or abuse in your relationship. The tell-tale sign of a coercive dynamic is that you are afraid of your partner, or your partner is afraid of you. If that is the case, do not attempt couples therapy. Go to individual therapy or go separately to group therapy first. I would be happy to help you find a therapist or group.
Why is relationship therapy not a good idea when there is a coercion or abuse in your relationship? Therapy can make the coercive partner feel exposed and ashamed, and they may then retaliate against their partner, sometimes fatally. It is dangerous and unethical for a therapist to do relationship therapy when there is coercion in the dynamic. Relationship therapy is for partners who genuinely want to have equal power in the relationship and who are willing to take responsibility for their part in conflicts.
If you think you may be in a coercive, controlling, abusive or violent relationship, please confide in someone you trust. If you are in the US, here is the number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline: (800) 799-7233.
You want in-person therapy. I am currently offering therapy sessions via Zoom only.
Research shows that tele-therapy works just as well as in-person therapy. As a therapist and also as a therapy client myself, I have found that to be true. With tele-therapy I can meet you in your element (at home), and as a bonus I get to meet your pets!
You live outside of California. I am licensed in California and archaic rules forbid me from doing therapy with any person who I know to be outside of California.
You or your partner are in crisis and need more support than your regularly scheduled weekly sessions. At the moment, I am not able to provide a higher level of care if either of you is feeling suicidal or if you are in crisis. But please contact me and I will do my best to connect you with resources and therapists who can help you.
My fee ($200 per hour) is unaffordable for you right now. Therapy is a significant investment and it’s normal for the fee to pinch a little and require some sacrifices. But if you have to forgo food or other essentials to afford therapy, please do not put that extra stress on yourselves. Check out Open Path Collective or google “Community counseling in [your location]” for more affordable therapy options.
You need a time slot in the late evenings or weekends. I currently (as of September 2024) only have openings in the daytime on Mondays and Tuesdays for weekly or every-other-week sessions.
Practical details
I meet clients either weekly or every-other-week.
If you’re not sure which frequency is best for you, I’d be happy to discuss it on our consultation call.
Most sessions are with both partners together, and some sessions will be with partners individually, as needed.
Transparency is important. All communication with me must be with the full knowledge of your partner (via group text or cc’ing them on an email).
In addition, I cannot hold any secrets. So if one of you tells me in confidence something that you are hiding from your partner, I will strongly encourage you to disclose it to your partner and will help you do so, but I will not lie or conceal things from your partner.
I am currently accepting new clients for weekly or every-other-week sessions on Mondays and Tuesdays only.
All sessions are on Zoom and for California residents.
My fee for relationship therapy is $200 for 1 hour, and $250 for 75 min. I do not take insurance.
You’re ready to start therapy. What happens next?
Step 1: Start by contacting me via this form and tell me a little bit about what you are seeking help with. Please do not include sensitive information in this form, for your protection.
Your message is sent to my secure email account, and I will respond within 1 to 2 business days.
Step 2: In my email to you, I will suggest some times to meet one-on-one with you and one-on-one with your partner on Zoom for a 15-20 minute consultation. There is no fee for this consultation.
This short consultation allows us to see if it would feel right to work together. I will ask you why you are seeking therapy and what you are wanting to work on, and I will answer any questions or concerns you have.
If it feels like a good fit, we schedule a first session then and there.
If we find that we aren’t a good fit, I offer to send you names of other skilled couples therapists that you can contact.
Step 3: Before our first session, I email you each (separately) a link to my client portal, which is a secure, HIPAA-compliant platform where you can read and sign my forms and fill out a credit card authorization. You will each need to complete this online paperwork before we can meet.
Step 4: We have our first session, which I like to think of as a trial session. You get to experience my approach to therapy and see how it feels for you. You decide if you want to continue.
Step 5: If you do want to continue, we agree on a regular meeting time. I send you a link to my client portal again so you can fill out a lengthier intake form.
Step 6: We meet for our second session, and go from there!
And if you’re intrigued but not quite ready to jump in?
Take your time, there’s no rush.
In the meantime, if you want to contact me and let me know what you are struggling with, I would be happy email you some resources (books, videos, articles, podcast episodes…) that could be helpful.
You can also browse my articles about relationship therapy.
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