Abuse is not “a bad temper”
There’s a difference between having an anger issue and being abusive. The difference is this: power and control.
In Colleen Hoover’s best-selling novels It Ends with Us and It Starts with Us, there is a recurrent theme of domestic abuse. The main character, Lily, grew up with a father who physically abused her and physically and sexually abused her mother. As a teenager, she falls in love with Atlas, a young man who also grew up experiencing physical and emotional abuse. Later Lily meets, marries, and has a child with Ryle. He is an ambitious and arrogant brain surgeon who, early on in their marriage, becomes physically and sexually abusive.
I read these two novels because, as a therapist who works with people who experience abuse and violence in their relationships, I’m always interested in how domestic abuse is depicted in the media. The first novel is being turned into a movie with Blake Lively (and I imagine the sequel will follow), which will likely bring even more interest to the books. I wanted to make sure the theme of intimate partner violence was accurately depicted. I was sorely disappointed (and more than a little angry).
The novels are quick and easy to read. I can see why people like them. The main characters lead lives of pure fluffy fantasy— they are attractive, wealthy, talented and successful in their chosen careers. Life seems easy in these novels, and that’s a nice escape from real life, I guess. Moreover, Hoover’s writing is easy to follow; the themes are mature but it’s written at a 5th grade reading level. And to her credit, Hoover has an emotional sensitivity in these novels that make them engaging, if you can stomach the predictable plotlines.
Hoover said that she wanted to write about abusive relationships because as a survivor of childhood domestic abuse, she has first-hand experience of it. However, I really *really* wish she or her publisher had consulted with a domestic violence specialist before releasing these novels.
Here’s why:
1. Ryle is a lot more dangerous than we are led to believe
Lily’s husband Ryle is described as having a “temper” problem. This is recklessly minimizing. Ryle physically and sexually assaults Lily on multiple occasions. He destroys her property. She spends a lot of the book lying and hiding things so that she doesn’t upset him. Ryle does not have an anger problem, he has a power and control problem.
Like many abusive people, Ryle is charming and likable outside of his relationship with Lily (well, except that he killed his twin brother when they were children, but we’re told that was an accident). His sister is thrilled when they decide to get married. She has no clue. Domestic abusers are great at hiding their controlling behaviors and violence. This leaves Lily alone in trying to make sense of what is happening, which only increases Ryle’s power in the relationship.
In one scene, Ryle puts his hands around Lily’s neck. ~[Statistically, it is the most dangerous of abusers, the ones who end up killing their victims, who attempt strangulation](https://www.strangulationtraininginstitute.com/all-abusers-are-not-equal-new-ipv-research-reveals-an-indicator-of-deadly-abuse/)~. Attempted strangulation is a huge red flag, and it would be nice if the book had provided a little bit of education about that for its readers.
2. There is very little regard for Lily’s safety, or her child’s
It takes a long time for Lily to break up with Ryle, which is normal. Abusive relationships are very confusing, and it’s easy to rationalize the incidents: “He was so apologetic and remorseful, and everybody deserves a second chance.” Victims of intimate partner violence often empathize with their abusive partner and blame themselves. It takes a lot of work to gain the clarity and confidence needed to finally leave. Lily’s internal confusion is well-depicted in the book.
Where the story fails, however, is that even after breaking up with Ryle, Lily continues to let him spend time with their child. Her reasoning is that as the father, that is his right. The book once again minimizes his abuse, and Lily seems to have no sense of the danger she is putting her baby in.
Lily’s best friend, who is also Ryle’s sister, is sympathetic to Lily’s plight but her close relationship with Ryle continues unchanged. Granted, she is not in an easy position, being the (supposed) best friend of the victim and sister of the abuser. But she doesn’t seem to feel conflicted about it at all. She makes no move to shield Lily from Ryle, and even allows them to run into each other in her apartment building. How’s that for a best friend?
3. Ryle’s abuse is only going to get worse, no matter what the happy ending wants you to think
The author seems to want us to feel sorry for Ryle, who has “uncontrollable urges” to assault Lily. Aside from profusely apologizing after the fact, he does not seek help. He doesn’t go to a Batterer’s Intervention group (the single best therapy for perpetrators of abuse) or any kind of therapy or program. Yet out here in the real world, the research is clear: without treatment, intimate partner violence doesn’t magically stop. It only gets worse.
At the end of the second novel, Ryle finally agrees to go to anger management classes, and everybody is happy. I nearly threw the book across the room when I read this. Anger is not the problem here. Ryle’s issues run much, much deeper than that. He needs to be in a therapy group that does more than identify anger triggers and teach tools for cooling down.
To start his recovery, Ryle needs to be in group therapy with other perpetrators of abuse so that he can acknowledge and understand his need for power and control, his misogyny, and his addiction to violence. He would benefit from long-term trauma therapy as well.
4. Atlas needs a real therapist if he ever wants to have a healthy relationship
Atlas comes off as a kind soul, generous, intelligent and mature. Because he is so kind and forgiving, he tries to have a relationship with his mother, who was violently abusive to him growing up and continues to be violently abusive to his 11-year-old brother. She has no interest in a relationship with him. The book doesn’t let on how messed up this is, that the victim of the abuse is bending over backwards to mend his relationship with his abuser, while she shows no desire to change.
After the severe abuse and neglect he endured growing up, how did Atlas grow up to be such a mature, loving man? That kind of healing takes years of really good therapy. But the book seems to make a mockery of therapy. There is a recurring joke in the second novel about Atlas having a “therapist” who is a 12 year old boy. It made me wonder if the author has a personal bias against therapy.
There are a lot of people in their late teens and early twenties, most of them women, who read Hoover’s books. Many of them have experienced intimate partner violence, or will at some point in their life. The author really missed an opportunity to provide clear, sound education to its readers about the dynamics of intimate partner violence, the difference between anger and control, and how to keep oneself safe. Rather than clearing up confusion about abusive relationships, these books only add to it.
