Your self-blame is hurting not just you, but your relationship too
This is a little bit of tough love. Because I know that if you are someone who has a habit of blaming yourself when something goes wrong, you’re already suffering enough as it is.
What is self-blame? It’s when we react to something difficult by blaming ourselves. “It’s all my fault. I really messed up.” “I’m just no good at this. I can’t ever get it right.”
It’s a reaction, not an emotion. That’s important, because if you pause the self-blame and get curious about what’s going on underneath, you will find emotions there. Anger, fear, sadness, anxiety, guilt, shame— probably a mix of all of these.
You already know that blaming your partner when something goes wrong is not the way. It only leads to conflict and hurt. And maybe you are careful not to blame, and you pride yourself in not taking your feelings out on your partner.
So instead you blame yourself. Let’s look at what happens when you do that, using Jess and Taylor as an example.
It’s Jess’s birthday and the partners agreed to have a special meal together to celebrate. Taylor promises to end their work meeting on time so that they can prep the dough in order to make Jess’s favorite dish: homemade pizza.
Taylor’s meeting goes late and they feel too guilty to leave before the end. By the time they finish their meeting and find Jess, they are 45 minutes late and Jess is pissed off.
“You promised you would finish on time for once! It’s my birthday! Am I always going to come after your job? This can’t keep happening.”
Taylor can see how hurt and mad Jess is, and they shake their head. “Ugh, I know. What is wrong with me? I keep ruining everything, and it’s just because I’m too stupid to be able to leave a meeting on time. I am the absolute worst. I fcking hate myself right now.” They put their hands over their face and sulk.
Jess tries to reassure Taylor: “Come on, you’re not the worst. Stop.”
But it’s too late. Taylor has fallen into the hole of self-blame, and nothing Jess can say will reach them there.
So what is happening here?
Taylor is rightfully angry and hurt that Jess was late. It is Jess’s task now to repair the rupture by sincerely apologizing and making it right by them. Instead, they go into self-blame. They forget that they are in a two-person system, and make the situation about themself. This leaves Jess not only feeling hurt, but in the position of having to comfort Taylor. Jess’s hurt feelings are all but forgotten, drowned out by Taylor’s self-blame.
In the same way that you are careful not to project blame onto your partner when you’re upset, be careful not to project blame onto yourself. It may seem that self-blame is only harmful to you, but it harms your relationship:
When you’re blaming yourself, you are no longer operating as a two-person system. You are now a one-person system, absorbed in your own internal world and disconnected from your partner.
You withdraw emotionally and your partner has to make a lot of effort to reconnect with you, which is unfair to them— especially when they are the one who was hurt initially.
You disconnect from your own internal experience. You don’t own or process the feelings you’re having because you’re caught up in criticizing yourself.
You pull all the energy and attention towards yourself instead of putting it towards repairing the rupture.
Self-blame is not the same as taking responsibility. Taking responsibility means owning your behavior. Self-blame feels like a spiral into a dark place, whereas taking responsibility is calm and comes from a place of strength.
Notice the difference:
“I can’t believe I did this again. I just can’t figure it out. It’s not that hard, but for some reason I can’t get a grip on it. I don’t know what my problem is. I understand if you don’t want to be with me. I’m just the worst.”
vs.
“Wow, I am so sorry. I can see how much I hurt you. I couldn’t bring myself to leave the meeting, and I have to figure this out because I can’t let this keep happening. I’m going to talk to my therapist about it on Wednesday. I’m so sorry. I want to find a way to make it up to you, so that you feel special and loved on your birthday.”
