Are you the abusive one in your relationship or is it your partner?

Relationships are confusing, and abusive ones even more so. Oftentimes, the abusive partner will genuinely believe they are the victim, and the victim seriously questions if they are being abusive to their partner.

As a couples therapist and a facilitator of groups for perpetrators of intimate partner violence, I’ve found that there are two essential questions to consider in order to determine if a relationship is abusive and identify who the victim is.

1. Who do you believe is responsible for the problems in your relationship?

Why this question is so important: In an abusive relationship, when talking about their relationship, the victim and abuser will present things very differently. The abuser will subtly or not-so-subtly blame the victim for the problems in the relationship and for their own bad behavior:

“Well, he gets really anxious and then he’s a little much to deal with.”

“My therapist thinks she has Borderline, that’s why she acts crazy.”

“He refuses to communicate with me. Is he autistic or something?”

“It’s her own fault I locked her out of the house— she was getting all upset and yelling.”

“I wouldn’t be so critical if he wasn’t so annoying.”

Meanwhile, the victim of abuse will readily take responsibility for the problems in the relationship and for their partner’s abusive behavior. They are quick to blame themselves:

“I started the argument. I really shouldn’t have said what I said, I knew it would stress him out.”

“I provoked her by saying the wrong thing again.”

“I know that if I was less of a mess he wouldn’t get so upset.”

“If only I were a better partner, they wouldn’t treat me this way.”

“They have childhood trauma, that’s why they act this way. I need to be more understanding and compassionate.”

So think about your relationship. Who blames whom for the issues in the relationship?

If you are both blaming each other, congratulations! You are probably not in an abusive relationship. There may be conflict, and that conflict may even escalate to the point of physical violence (throwing things, slamming doors, shoving, biting…) but both of you have equal power in the relationship, and equal responsibility for the problems. One of you is not consistently intimidated by the other.

Now get yourselves into individual and couples therapy ASAP.

2. Who has more power and control in the relationship?

Abuse is about power and control. In an abusive relationship, there is an imbalance of power: one person exerts power over the other.

To determine if you are the abusive one or if your partner is, start by looking at the arrow of control— where is it pointing? Who is trying to control who?

Control might look like:

• Regularly making unilateral decisions, without discussion, that affect both partners. Or consistently overruling your partner’s desires or preferences.

• Controlling important parts of your life together, such as finances, transportation or your living arrangement, in such a way that your partner is reliant on your for their basic needs.

• Saying things to purposefully confuse or hurt your partner, making humiliating comments, criticizing them or rolling your eyes.

• Threatening to have your partner arrested, deported, 5150’d or investigated by CPS. Threatening to destroy something that belongs to them. Threatening to harm their child, a relative, or a pet. Threaten to harm or kill yourself if they don’t do what you want.

• Withholding love, affection or sex in order to punish your partner. Pressuring or forcing your partner into affection or sexual activity.

• Dictating who your partner can and cannot spend time with so that they are reliant on you for emotional support.
  

But wait, here’s where it gets tricky

Sometimes, a partner’s behaviors can seem abusive when they are actually self-protective. The person is trying to resist the abusive partner’s control.

For example:

• Fighting back using physical violence. This is different from using physical violence to assert your dominance over your partner. It is a way to push back against that control.

• Refusing to communicate or answer questions. This is different from the silent treatment, which is used to control and punish your partner.

• Lying in order to protect yourself. This is different from gaslighting, which is used to confuse, manipulate, and disconnect your partner from their internal knowing.
  

And now let’s add another layer:

When considering who has more power in the relationship, you also have to consider who has more systemic power and privilege.

Being a legally-recognized US citizen, a native English speaker, white or white-passing, christian, cisgender, male, straight or straight-passing, able-bodied, neurotypical, wealthy, conventionally attractive and having a higher education degree and a prestigious, high-earning career…
conveys more systemic privilege than
being undocumented, foreign-born, racialized, of a religious minority, female, gender non-conforming, trans, visibly queer, disabled, chronically ill, with a mental health diagnosis, neurodivergent, low or no income, unemployed or doing work that is not socially valued.

Most of us have a mix of privileged and not-privileged identities. Having systemic power and privilege doesn’t make you more likely to be abusive in your relationship, but if you are trying to control what your partner does, who they talk to or what they think AND you have more institutional and cultural privilege than them, then yes, you are probably the abusive one.

You’ve answered both questions… Now what?

If you have read this far and you are realizing that you are the abusive one in your relationship, congratulations. You are already one step closer to recovery. I encourage you to reach out to an individual therapist and find a Batterer’s Intervention group so that you can better understand your patterns of behavior and move towards peace in yourself and in your relationships.

If you think you may be in an abusive relationship and want help getting out, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline, available 24/7, at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224. You can also chat online at www.thehotline.org.