The Art of the I-statement

How to communicate during arguments so that your partner can hear what you have to say.

Let’s face it: nobody knows how to argue well. And for good reason— there is very little role-modeling for good, productive arguing. The kind of arguing where you can express how you feel, you can be heard by your partner, and you can both figure out how to move forward together.

The key to good arguing is I-statements. They are so crucial to good communication, and yet very few people actually know about them. I myself didn’t learn about I-statements until I became a therapist in my late 30s. Even today, despite years of teaching clients how to do them, I still find them challenging.

Think about a scene from a movie in which a couple is fighting. Here’s an example from the movie Marriage Story with Scarlett Johansson and Adam Driver. Warning: it’s intense, and there’s some wall-punching.

As a couples therapist, what I find most disturbing about this very realistic (and very well acted) scene is that it’s presented as being cathartic. As if the characters had been holding back from saying “their truth” to their partner for years, and now it’s all spilling out. Afterwards they are exhausted, emptied, and they have a moment of tenderness together.

The message this scene, and so many others like it, sends is that there is healing that comes from spewing all your anger out at your partner in the form of cruel, demeaning you-statements. You’re purging, we’re told, and your relationship will be more honest and real for it.

That’s simply not true. Intense arguments like this only harm your relationship. They destroy the safety and trust, and it takes a lot of time and effort to rebuild your connection after that. These intense arguments are like trauma to your relationship, and you will continue to feel their effect for years to come.

Of course, thoughtful, measured I-statements don’t make good movie drama. But they will revolutionize your relationship.

I-statements are composed of four elements. Here’s an example:

I feel lonely (1) when you play games on your phone (2) because I interpret that to mean you don’t want to spend time with me (3). Can we find some way to spend time together that we would both enjoy? (4)

Let’s look at each of these four elements more closely:

(1) I feel…

You start by talking about your own internal experience. This requires checking in with yourself. That act alone, when there’s conflict brewing, is powerful. You are pausing the back-and-forth arguing to be curious about what’s going on inside you, putting a name to it, and then sharing that with your partner.

Your internal experience can be an emotion, a sensation, an internal movement of energy, or even a visual in your mind’s eye. “I feel so angry! And sad.” “I feel this tension around my heart and like I want to throw up.” “I feel a huge amount of energy inside like a ball of fire that wants to explode.”

The key here is to truly focus on what is happening inside you. While that seems straightforward, many people find this challenging. For example, if you say, “I feel completely betrayed by you,” that’s not quite an I-statement. It’s a You-statement disguised as an I-statement. Your partner is going to have a hard time hearing you without feeling blamed, because you’re essentially saying, “You betrayed me.”

As another example, if you say, “I feel like you never listen to me,” that is not even close to an I-statement, even though it starts with “I feel”. It’s thinly-veiled criticism.

(2) When you…

In this second element, you identify what is triggering the feeling you’re having. It is tempting to turn this into an accusation (“I feel angry when you treat me like crap.”), but if you blame or criticize your partner, it will be very difficult for them to stay present to what you’re trying to express.

So if you want to be heard, stick to the facts, just the facts. “I feel anxious when you don’t answer my calls during the workday.” The partner is not answering their calls, that’s a fact. If you say “I feel anxious when you ignore me during the workday,” that is an interpretation of what your partner does, and they will most likely respond defensively.

(3) Because…

The third element is optional. You are helping your partner understand more about your experience. To make sure you are not blaming or accusing your partner here, it’s safer to use phrases like “I’m making up a story in my head about…” or “I’m interpreting that to mean that…”.

So for example, instead of “I feel anxious when you don’t answer my calls during the workday because it means you never think about me,” you could try, “I feel anxious when you don’t answer my calls during the workday because I’m interpreting that to mean that you are not thinking about me.”

(4) Can you please…? Can we figure out a way to…?

In this fourth and final element, you are making a request to your partner. For this to work, you must be willing to accept a no. It cannot be a threat or another veiled criticism.

For example, instead of “Can you please just return my calls already?”, you can say, “Can we please figure out a way to communicate during the workday that works for both of us?”

Putting it all together

Here are three examples of I-statements, from great to terrible. As you read them notice how calm or emotionally charged they feel:

I feel anxious and angry
when you don’t answer my phone calls during the workday
because I interpret that to mean that you don’t think about me.
Can we please find a way to communicate when you’re on the road that works for both of us?
Grade: A+

I feel blindsided
when I discover something you never told me about
because I want to trust you and I can’t.
So I need you to always tell me what’s going on.
Grade: C-

I feel like you don’t care about me
when you disrespect my parents like that
because you have never given a shit about my family.
You have to be nicer to them or we’re never going to work out.
Grade: F

A final important note: Communicating with I-statements only works if you sincerely want to connect with your partner. You can say all the right words and it can still sound like an accusation if your tone is harsh and your body language is hostile.

Remember your goal: to be heard by your partner. Set your partner up for success by softening your approach, owning what you feel and being collaborative rather than confrontational.