The biggest mistakes I made as a therapist trying to help someone in an abusive relationship

Early on in my training as a therapist, I worked at a community counseling center where I co-facilitated domestic violence groups. I facilitated these groups for several years and learned so much about relationship patterns, conflict, boundaries and safety.

I had a wonderful mentor and supervisor who taught me valuable lessons about how to work with clients who are in abusive relationships. She was (and still is) the best kind of mentor because she gave me plenty of autonomy so I could learn, while gently pointing out where I could do better.

One of these clients was Eva. Eva was a woman in her early 20s, soft-spoken and polite. She never missed a group, and she actively participated each week in the discussion. She was an ideal group member and I liked her immediately.

[Note: I’m being deliberately vague with the specifics of Eva’s story and modifying identifying information to protect her confidentiality.]

Eva had spent two weeks in jail after physically assaulting the man she lived with— let’s call him Gordon. For this she had been court-ordered to attend 52 weeks of Batterer’s Intervention group. How could such a gentle-seeming person be a “batterer”?

Over the weeks and months that she attended the group, Eva gradually shared more information about her situation. She seemed reluctant to give too much detail.

The more she shared, the more appalled I was.

Eva and Gordon had met at work; Gordon was her boss. They became romantically involved and he invited her to move in with him. Gordon was critical and humiliating to Eva. He slapped and shoved her when they argued. He called her names. She felt small and powerless in the relationship.

But she was afraid to leave Gordon because he was her boss, so she would probably lose her job. The relationship was so stressful that she couldn’t think straight anymore, and she wasn’t sure she could find another job in the very analytical field she worked in if she was cognitively impaired. She didn’t want to report him because she was afraid of retaliation, and she didn’t want her work colleagues to know what she was putting up with. She felt afraid, ashamed, and trapped.

One day, Eva and Gordon were fighting. He slapped her in the face and she reacted by kicking him in the shin. A neighbor heard the commotion and called the police. The police officers interviewed both of them and Eva admitted to having kicked Gordon. Meanwhile, Gordon said he hadn’t done anything, that Eva was just ‘crazy’ and out of control. The police didn’t look any further into the situation and arrested Eva.

If those officers had been better trained to recognize domestic abuse, they would have seen big red flags in Eva and Gordon’s statements. Victims of abuse typically self-blame and admit to their violence, whereas abusers blame the victim and do not easily admit to any wrongdoing.

I was still early in my training, and this was my first time working with someone who was clearly in a very abusive, controlling relationship. When Eva would talk about her relationship, my eyes would bulge out of my head. I could feel the heat in my body rising and my heart pounding with outrage. I wanted desperately for Eva to get out of this relationship.

Eva would share about her experiences with the group, and I’d shuffle in my seat, trying to contain my emotions.

I wanted to shake her by the shoulders and say, “Don’t you see? This guy is a monster! He’s the one who should be in a Batterer’s Intervention group!”

I wanted to give her the full force of my fury so that she could tell Gordon to fuck right off.

I desperately wanted to save her from him.

I was clearly having a very strong reaction to Eva’s situation. It was triggering my own trauma. I know what it’s like to feel small, powerless and scared in a relationship with a domineering man. I cared about Eva, and I wanted to protect her from that.

At one point, Eva had enough. She took time off from her job and went to stay with a friend for a couple weeks. She started looking for a new place to live. I cheered her on. “This is amazing! Congratulations!” I was so proud of her.

Two weeks later, she came to group and announced that she was moving out of Gordon’s house into an apartment of her own. But she also decided to return to her job working for him. She believed that things would be different now, because she was no longer in a romantic relationship with Gordon. They could return to having a professional relationship, like in the beginning.

I was not so convinced. “No,” I told Eva during the group. “It doesn’t work like that. You have to leave him completely.”

I was right, unfortunately. They continued to have a personal relationship, and he continued to be abusive. It was complicated, and messy, and she was exhausted. But she felt trapped by her circumstances.

It takes on average seven attempts for a person to leave an abusive relationship permanently. It’s not a straightforward or easy process. It requires a lot of support and resources, both emotional and material. It requires confidence and energy, and it’s hard to feel confident and energetic when you’ve been humiliated and dominated for years by your partner.

Here’s what does NOT help someone in an abusive relationship: telling them to leave. Especially if you are the therapist.

Why? Because as the therapist you are in a position of power— even if you are a complete newbie like I was. The client will assume that you know something more than them, that you have some expertise they don’t have.

And you do have expertise. You studied clinical psychology, you attended trainings, you have experience working with other clients.

But that means you have to be extra careful about how you use your power in the therapy room. That’s even more true if you’re working with someone who is in an abusive relationship.

Because if you are (even unintentionally) using your power as therapist to tell your client what to do, you are re-creating the very situation they are trying to leave: a relationship of power and control.

What someone in an abusive relationship most needs is empowerment. As the therapist, your job is to validate their experience, to normalize their struggles, to help them learn to trust themselves again. They need to feel safe and supported in making choices for themselves.

If I could go back to those first few months of group with Eva, here’s what I would and wouldn’t do:

• I would not tell her that she has to leave Gordon. Instead, I would help her in her process of figuring out what she wanted to do.

• I would not cheer her on when she left the first time. That’s another form of pressure. If she leaves and then returns, she may be too afraid or ashamed to tell me about it.

• I would do more to process my outrage with my supervisor or therapist outside the group, so that I could remain present, curious and empathic for Eva during the group.

Eva completed her year-long commitment and grew tremendously through the process. By the last session, she had taken steps to find another position at her company, she had strengthened her support network, and though she was still in contact with Gordon, the way she spoke of their relationship showed she was gaining clarity and independence.

I also grew tremendously from working with Eva. I’m glad she didn’t listen to me, and that she went at the pace that was right for her. I often think of her and hope she is safe and happy where she is.