The math of lasting love: do you know the 5-to-1 ratio?

When you first meet and fall in love, you and your person have an abundance of positive interactions.

You spend hours on the phone, baring your souls. You hug and cuddle and make love and hold hands everywhere you go. You are endlessly fascinated with each other, you ask questions, you pay close attention to what your partner says. You give each other cutesie pet names and make lists of what you love about each other. When you’re not with your partner, you’re thinking about them constantly. When you’re together, the rest of the world disappears.

There’s a reason for all of this: you are forming a bond. The bond you are creating in this honeymoon phase, which is heavily fueled by love hormones, is the first step in creating a secure, solid foundation for your relationship.

Then, the honeymoon phase wears off

Slowly but surely, the lovey-dovey-can’t-take-my-eyes-off-of-you state trail off. Many people lament this part: the butterflies are gone, your excitement is replaced with familiarity and comfort, and the attentiveness and compliments and nonstop touching fade away. Your relationship becomes more integrated into the rest of your life, you start to learn about each other’s interaction patterns, and you have your first arguments.

This is a good thing. You are learning about each other and building real (read: not fueled by love hormones) trust and intimacy. This phase determines whether you should commit to each other for the longer term or not.

This is where the magic 5-to-1 ratio comes in

Now that you’ve landed back on earth, you have to be intentional about creating positive interactions together so you can continue to be in love. You don’t have the love hormones to motivate you anymore. You’re on your own (together).

Positive interactions increase the love and safety in your relationship. The more deliberate you are about creating moments of positive interaction with your partner, the more smoothly you will be able to navigate moments of tension together.

In fact, research from the Gottman Institute shows that the difference between happy and unhappy relationships is in the balance between positive and negative interactions. For every one negative interaction, a happy couple has five (or more) positive interactions. This is the “magic” 5:1 ratio.

What are negative interactions? Critical remarks, stone-walling, eye-rolling, accusatory you-statements, defensiveness, distancing, refusing a bid for connection.

These negative interactions can really damage your relationship. But if you have five times more positive interactions with your partner than negative ones, you’ve built a protective cushion that can absorb the impact of the negative interaction (you still have to apologize and repair, of course).

So look for opportunities to create a positive interaction, and notice the ones you’re already doing:

• Hold hands any chance you get

• Take hug breaks during difficult conversations

• Listen attentively to each other and express empathy

• If you’re having a positive thought about your partner, say it out loud

• Express appreciation for each other and your relationship as often as possible

• Share real kisses and long hugs at every opportunity, especially when saying hello and goodbye (or good morning and good night).

• Do things for your partner that you know they’ll appreciate

• Talk together about what is working well in your relationship

• Remind each other how special you are to each other

• Call each other by your names and use pet names freely

• Say I love you

• Spend time doing things you both enjoy together

• Joke around together

It seems like a no-brainer, and yet…

As a couples therapist, I have worked with many couples whose ratio of positive to negative interactions is closer to 1:5 than 5:1.

Oftentimes, they don’t realize how damaging their frequent negative interactions are to their relationships. And they do not know that they need to actively create positive interactions. Moments of shared pleasure and connection don’t just happen on their own.

The way relationships are depicted in entertainment media leads us to believe that if we are with the right person, we will necessarily have positive interactions. Or that if we love each other enough, we will naturally experience moments of connection and closeness, without any effort on our part.

In reality, in many couples the partners are well-suited to each other and they love each other deeply, but they aren’t intentional about creating those positive interactions. They think loving thoughts but don’t say them out loud. They feel awkward talking about what they love about their relationship or what is working well. They wait for the other person to initiate hugging or kissing.

Creating positive interactions in couples therapy

I encourage the couples I work with to be deliberate about creating more positive interactions so they can reach the 5:1 ratio. In our therapy sessions I often start by asking them what is working well in their relationship— not because I don’t want to hear about the issues they’re struggling with, but because I want to help them create a positive interaction together right then and there.

I also make sure to point out every moment of connection and pleasure that I notice during our session. It can feel awkward for some couples to make loving moments explicit, but it’s important.

The more positive interactions you and your partner have together, the more relaxed and safe you feel, and the more easily you are able to work through the things you are struggling with.